It matters when your parent’s drinking started, because you may be dealing with something you’ve known your whole life or something that’s changed the relationship you thought you had.
You might struggle to remember a time when alcohol wasn't part of family life. Perhaps you've had the same conversations over and over, or stopped raising the subject because you already know how they'll respond.
Maybe other family members have accepted it as normal. Dad's always liked a drink. Mum's always been like that. Everyone knows, but nobody really talks about it.
When you've grown up with a parent's drinking, it can be difficult to know where your responsibility ends. You may have been dealing with it for a very long time.
And even now, as an adult with your own responsibilities, you might still find yourself making arrangements around their drinking or worrying about what they'll do next.
You don't have to continue handling things exactly as you always have.
Perhaps your dad retired and started drinking earlier in the day. Or your mum began drinking more after losing her partner. You visit one afternoon and notice how much alcohol is in the house, or realise that every time you phone, they've been drinking.
It can be unsettling because it doesn't fit with the person you've always known. You might find yourself making excuses for it, particularly if they've been through a difficult time.
They may insist there's nothing wrong. They still manage their daily routine, keep appointments or take care of the house. From their point of view, there's no reason for you to interfere.
But you don't need to settle an argument about whether they're dependent on alcohol before you can say that you're concerned.
In older adults, alcohol can also complicate existing health problems and interact with certain medicines. Changes in memory, balance, mood or day-to-day functioning shouldn't automatically be attributed to drinking or ageing. If you've noticed these changes, encourage your parent to discuss them with their GP, who can consider possible causes and whether further assessment is needed.
If you’re unsure whether their drinking is a problem because they’re still managing everyday life, our article on high-functioning alcoholism looks at that question in more detail.
Can your children still spend time with Grandma or Grandad if they're drinking too much?
It's a question that becomes much more difficult when your parent is someone your children love and look forward to seeing.
Perhaps Grandma has always collected them from school on Fridays. Or Grandad regularly asks whether they can stay overnight. These might be arrangements everyone has taken for granted, and changing them can cause considerable upset.
You're allowed to decide the conditions of your children's contact with their grandparents. That includes when visits happen, where they take place and who is present.
You might prefer to arrange visits at your own home, or only when you're able to be there. You might decide that certain arrangements need to change.
You don't have to present those decisions as a punishment.
You can explain them plainly: "Mum, I want the children to spend time with you, but I'm not comfortable with the arrangements as they are. For now, I'd rather we arranged visits when I can be there."
Your parent might be hurt or offended. They may feel you're questioning their ability to be a grandparent. That doesn't mean you have to agree to arrangements you're uncomfortable with.
Your children may have questions too, particularly if they're used to seeing their grandparents regularly. You can explain changes in language they understand, without asking them to take sides or turning their grandparent into someone they should dislike.
When one parent drinks too much, it's rarely just you and them involved. There's often another parent, brothers and sisters, and a long history of people responding to the drinking in different ways.
Perhaps your mum makes excuses for your dad. She tells you he's tired, he's stressed or he's had a difficult week. You can see she's struggling, but she doesn't want to talk about it.
Or maybe you're the one who gets every phone call. Your brother lives nearby but rarely gets involved, while you're arranging appointments, sorting paperwork and checking whether everything is all right.
It's reasonable to tell your siblings when the responsibilities have become unequal. Rather than arguing about who cares more, be specific about what needs doing and what you're no longer able to manage.
It's also worth looking at the things you've started doing automatically for your parent.
Perhaps you tell relatives they're unwell when they've been drinking. You sort out an appointment they've missed, make excuses when they don't turn up or buy alcohol as part of their weekly shopping because it's easier than having another argument.
These arrangements can become so familiar that you barely question them.
You can reconsider them. Our guide to stopping enabling someone without abandoning them explores how to change the help you give while maintaining a relationship.
You can care about your other parent too, but you can't make their decisions for them. And you don't have to become the person who keeps the entire family functioning.
If you believe your parent’s drinking is putting your children at risk, their safety needs to come first. You can stop or change contact arrangements while you seek appropriate advice. If you’re worried that a child is being neglected, harmed or exposed to violence, contact your local council’s children’s services or the NSPCC for safeguarding advice. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
Having an older mum or dad who drinks too much can bring a different set of worries, especially if you’re already helping them with everyday responsibilities. You might be doing their shopping, taking them to appointments or helping them manage the house. Their drinking has become another thing you’re concerned about, but it’s difficult to separate it from everything else you’re doing for them.
Perhaps you’ve wondered whether there’s any point talking about treatment now. Your parent may have been drinking for decades, or they may insist that they’re entitled to live as they choose. Age alone isn’t a reason to stop talking about getting help. Older adults can seek support for their drinking, and you’re allowed to ask what options exist without assuming the answer in advance.
Alcohol-related concerns in older adults need to be considered alongside their general health, prescribed medication and ability to manage everyday activities. A GP or appropriate alcohol treatment service can assess these circumstances and discuss suitable options.
Older adults aren’t automatically excluded from alcohol treatment because of their age. However, the most appropriate setting depends on an individual assessment of their needs. Residential services may have their own admission criteria, including considerations around mobility, physical health and the level of care required. Abbington House admissions confirmation required: whether older adults can be admitted, and whether any mobility, personal-care or medical requirements affect eligibility.
Questions about care arrangements, finances and managing at home may also need separate attention.
You don’t have to wait for your mum or dad to agree to treatment before getting help with what you’re going through. It’s easy for your own needs to disappear when so much attention is on someone else’s drinking. You might be checking whether your parent has eaten, dealing with messages from relatives or trying to work out how to raise the subject again.
Meanwhile, you’ve still got your own life to manage.
Perhaps you have children, a job and a home to look after. Your phone rings and you see your parent’s name. Before you’ve even answered, you’re wondering what you’re going to be asked to sort out this time.
Or maybe nothing particularly dramatic has happened recently. You’re simply tired of thinking about it.
You don’t need to justify that tiredness by listing everything you’ve done for them.
Talking to someone who understands what it’s like to have a parent who drinks can help you work out what you want to do next. You can discuss your relationship with your parent, the responsibilities you’ve taken on and the boundaries you’re finding difficult to maintain.
Nacoa (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) supports adults as well as children affected by a parent's drinking. Its free helpline is 0800 358 3456, and you can email helpline@nacoa.org.uk. You don't have to be a child to ask for help with your parent's drinking.
Al-Anon Family Groups UK offers support to anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else's drinking. Its helpline is 0800 0086 811, available seven days a week.
Abbington House offers 16 weeks of family support as part of its treatment offering. Family relationships deserve attention in their own right, particularly when drinking has affected how people communicate, trust each other or manage everyday life together.
You can read more about family therapy at Abbington Houseand the support involved.
Admissions confirmation required: whether adult children can access Abbington House's family support independently of their parent's admission, and whether sessions are delivered weekly, online or in person.
If you've noticed that your own drinking has increased while you've been dealing with your parent's problems, you can also read about addiction and drinking concerns among caregivers. Whatever your parent decides, your own wellbeing is worth paying attention to.
It’s understandable to want to remove the alcohol, particularly when you’ve watched your parent drink despite repeated conversations about stopping. However, pouring away or hiding someone’s alcohol isn’t a treatment plan and could create additional problems.
If your parent is physically dependent on alcohol, suddenly stopping or substantially reducing their intake can cause withdrawal symptoms, which may be serious. They should have medical advice before attempting to stop.
Rather than trying to control how much alcohol is available to them, encourage them to speak with their GP or an alcohol treatment service about getting appropriate help. You can also read aboutalcohol withdrawal and why an assessment matters.
Being able to work, manage money or keep up with everyday responsibilities doesn’t automatically settle the question of whether drinking is a problem. If you’re worried about how much your dad drinks or how it affects your relationship, those concerns deserve a conversation.
Our article onhigh-functioning alcoholism explores why someone’s outward circumstances don’t necessarily answer questions about their drinking.
No. You can enquire about treatment on their behalf, but an adult generally needs to agree to residential treatment. You can’t secretly arrange for them to be admitted against their will.
There’s more information aboutwhat happens when someone refuses rehab.
Having a parent who has problems with alcohol doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily develop the same problems yourself. Both genetic and environmental factors can influence someone’s risk of alcohol dependence, but neither determines an individual’s future.
If you’re concerned about your own drinking, you can speak with your GP or a local alcohol support service. You don’t have to wait until drinking is affecting your health or relationships to ask for advice.
Abbington House charges a single fixed fee for residential treatment. The amount and what it covers are explained on therehab costs page. An assessment takes place before admission, so your parent’s circumstances can be considered before any treatment arrangements are made.
If you’re worried about your mum or dad’s drinking, you can contact Abbington House to talk about what’s been happening.
You can explain what you’ve noticed, what you’ve already tried and whether your parent has shown any interest in getting help. The admissions team can discuss residential treatment and the assessment process, and you can ask about the family support available.
Call 01438 583222 to talk through your circumstances and whether Abbington House may be an appropriate option for your parent.
