How Do I Stop Enabling Them Without Abandoning Them?

Here are five compassionate ways to support someone with addiction, without losing yourself in the process.

The Emotional Tightrope

If you love someone who’s struggling with addiction, you probably know this feeling well:

You want to help, but you’re scared your help is making things worse. You also don’t want to walk away but you can’t keep going like this, either.

Maybe you’ve paid their rent, bailed them out, lied to family or cancelled plans to pick up the pieces, again. Maybe you’ve kept the peace at home so the kids don’t get scared. Maybe you’ve watched them spiral and thought, “If I don’t step in, who will?”

And then maybe after all that, you’ve also thought, “Am I enabling them? Am I part of the problem now?”

This is the line so many partners, parents, siblings and friends walk. It’s exhausting and confusing and it’s not talked about enough. You don’t want to abandon them, but you also don’t want to keep absorbing the chaos.

We hope this page will offer some clarity around boundaries and other things you can put in place to avoid enabling your loved ones addiction.

1. Understand What Enabling Actually Is

Enabling isn’t about being a bad person or making foolish decisions. It’s something we do, often out of fear, love, or desperation or to try and keep someone safe, or to stop a situation from getting worse.

But sometimes, those actions end up doing the opposite.

Enabling is when you unintentionally make it easier for someone to continue using, often by shielding them from the natural consequences of their behaviour.

That might look like:

• Covering for them when they miss work

• Paying their fines, debts, or rent

• Letting them stay with you even when they’re using

• Giving money with no questions asked

• Hiding their behaviour from friends or family

• Fixing things so they don’t have to.

These things come from care. But they can also prevent your loved one from confronting the impact of their addiction, which is often the first step toward change.

“You didn’t cause this. But you might be caught in a pattern that’s keeping you both stuck.”

This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human. And now, you can begin to make different choices.

2. Get Clear on Your Own Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re a way to protect yourself, and create a space where real change becomes possible.

Ask yourself:

• What am I no longer willing to do?

• What crosses a line for me emotionally, financially, physically?

• What behaviours feel unsafe, unsustainable, or unfair in my home or life?

It might sound like:

• “I won’t give you money, but I can help you look into treatment options.”

• “You’re welcome in my home when you’re sober, but not when you’re under the influence.”

• “I love you, but I won’t lie for you anymore.”

These conversations are hard. You might feel cruel. But setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting someone out. It means showing up differently, in a way that protects you, and gives them a chance to face what’s really happening.

At Abbington House, we’ve supported many families through this process. The fear, the guilt, the heartbreak, we know it’s real. But boundaries are also the beginning of something better for both of you.

3. Stop Being the Safety Net (Even If It Feels Cruel)

It’s one of the hardest steps. Because if you don’t catch them, what if they fall?

But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop softening the landing.

When someone is shielded from consequences, even by someone who means well, it can remove the urgency to change. And without that urgency, addiction has space to grow.

Letting go of the rescuer role doesn’t mean you want them to suffer. It means you’re trusting that they can face what they need to, and that they might only begin to seek help when they’re no longer being saved from the fallout.

We know what you’re thinking:

• But what if they hate me?

• What if something terrible happens?

• What if they never forgive me?

And those fears are valid. But here’s the truth: enabling often delays, not prevents, those terrible moments. And stepping back might be the first act of true support they’ve ever received.

4. Stay Connected But Shift the Focus

Walking away completely isn’t always the answer, and it’s not what most people want to do. But staying connected without getting pulled into the chaos? That’s a skill. And it starts with changing what you focus on.

You don’t have to cut off contact. You can still speak, visit, check in. But you can gently shift the terms of those interactions.

That might mean:

• Saying, “I’m happy to talk when you’re sober.”

• Choosing to spend time together in ways that feel safe, a walk, a coffee, a quiet moment, rather than chaos or confrontation

• Setting a limit: “If this conversation turns into blame or manipulation, I’m going to hang up.”

• Offering encouragement, not solutions: “When you’re ready to get help, I’ll support you, but I can’t keep trying to fix this for you.”

Staying connected doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means being present in a way that’s healthy, honest, and sustainable, for both of you.

5. Get Support for Yourself

This can’t be said enough: you deserve support, too.

Loving someone with addiction is incredibly painful. You might be carrying fear, anger, exhaustion, guilt, shame or all of the above. You might have lost sleep, lost friends, or lost parts of yourself in the process.

You don’t have to do it alone.

Support could look like:

• Joining a family support group like Al-Anon

• Seeing a therapist who understands addiction

• Setting boundaries around how much you talk about them, it’s okay for life not to revolve around their behaviour

• Having one friend you can text when it all feels too much

You are not selfish for needing space. You are not uncaring for needing rest. You are not abandoning them by prioritising your own mental health.

At Abbington House, we work with families as well as individuals. We know that recovery is about more than detox or therapy — it’s about healing whole systems, and that includes you.

6. Let Go of the Fantasy That You Can Save Them

This one hurts. Because it’s the belief that keeps so many people holding on: “If I just love them enough… if I say the right thing… if I support them perfectly… they’ll stop.”

But the truth is: you can’t love someone out of addiction.
You can’t threaten them, inspire them, beg them, or bribe them into getting better.
That change has to come from them.

And sometimes, the most painful part of this journey is realising that your role is not to save them — it’s to stay steady in your own lane while they decide what to do in theirs.

You are not failing if they don’t get clean.
You are not weak for needing distance.
You are not a bad parent, sibling, or partner for letting go of the outcome.

It’s Okay to Love Them and Still Say “No More”

This isn’t easy. It never has been.

But it’s okay to draw a line. It’s okay to say:

• “I love you, and I won’t lie for you anymore.”

• “I care, but I can’t be your safety net.”

• “I’m here, but only if being here doesn’t destroy me in the process.”

That’s not abandonment. That’s love with a backbone.

At Abbington House, we support people in recovery as well as the people who love them. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to do it perfectly. And you don’t have to carry the weight of someone else’s choices on your own.

Whether your loved one is ready to get help or not, you can still get support. You can still choose peace. And you can still believe in their ability to recover, without sacrificing yourself in the process.

Call us today to find out how we support families of those struggling with addiction as well as their loved ones.